On the surface, your team looks like it’s humming along just fine. Targets are being met, clients are happy, and the deadlines are ticking over in their usual rhythm. To anyone watching from the outside, things appear to be on track. But as I’ve learned in my own journey, coaching in leadership isn’t about the surface, it’s about tuning into what’s happening underneath, in the spaces between the words and the weight you’re carrying home.

And what’s happening under the surface? If you pause long enough to notice, there’s a quiet tension. Conversations don’t run as deep as they once did. People hesitate before speaking up, feedback feels polite but shallow, and you find yourself carrying more of the emotional weight than you ever used to.

I know this place intimately. When I was leading my first organisation, there came a season where – without even realising – I had slipped from leading into controlling. My intentions were good; I wanted the best for everyone. But because I cared so deeply about outcomes, I began holding the reins more tightly. The irony? The more I held, the less others reached. Slowly, my team became quieter, smaller, and I found myself drained in ways I couldn’t explain.

What I’ve since come to see is this: what looks like a performance problem is often a symptom of control-based leadership. Even when our motives are pure, the unintended effect of control is that it shrinks the space for others to grow. And without meaning to, we become the one carrying not just the responsibility, but the energy of everyone else.

Three signs this might be playing out in your leadership:

• You’re the “go-to” person for everything. It feels validating, but also exhausting.
• No one challenges you anymore. It looks like alignment, but it’s really self-protection.
• You leave meetings drained instead of energised. That’s your body’s wisdom, telling you you’re carrying more than is yours to hold.

What Coaching in Leadership Really Is

Here’s the reframe – and the invitation. Coaching-style leadership changes everything. It’s not softer, it’s not weaker, and it’s certainly not about giving away your authority. It’s the opposite.

So, what is coaching in leadership? At its heart, it’s about creating the conditions where others can think for themselves, grow their capability, and bring their whole selves to the work. It’s the shift from having all the answers to asking better questions. It’s moving from directing to guiding, from solving to unlocking.

Sir John Whitmore, widely regarded as a pioneer in coaching leadership and author of Coaching for Performance, put it beautifully:

“Coaching is unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them.”

Coaching leadership looks like:

• Listening deeply, not just to words but to what sits underneath them.
• Asking powerful, open questions that invite new perspectives.
• Trusting silence, allowing space for others to think and find their own clarity.
• Empowering ownership, so team members feel trusted to step into responsibility.

And just as importantly, here’s what it is not:

• It is not abdicating responsibility or authority.
• It is not letting go of accountability or standards.
• It is not a “nice-to-have” skill set reserved for HR or external coaches.

When you lead as a coach, you create a culture of curiosity, creativity, and shared ownership. And in doing so, you reclaim your own energy—because you’re no longer holding what was never meant to be carried alone.

Reflective Questions for Your Leadership This Week

Take these to your journal, your walk, or the quiet of your next coffee:

1. Where am I unintentionally leading from control, and what is it costing me?
2. How might my team rise if I invited more ownership, more voice, more curiosity into the room?
3. What is one conversation this week where I could experiment with being a coach, not just a fixer?

You don’t need to lead with control. You just need the tools, the courage, and the reminder that leadership was always meant to be shared.

If this speaks to you, here’s a gentle next step you might take:

• Download my free guide, Coaching Over Control—the resource I wish I’d had when I was learning this shift of integrating coaching in leadership. It gives you simple, practical ways to experiment without losing clarity or authority.